English Discworld Free Session

[_Rincewind]

- Wha... what the... eee, let me help you, let me help you and dont be affraid! I remember this fire-transplantation spell... yes, I will remove it.

He made strange moves with his hands and said:

- BlOdAtHrAkArEfIrEgOtHrAkAgO!

<Wzzfrrup!>

- Hmm, it seems that it workeaaaaaAAAAIIIAAIIA!

Dwarf stopped burning but this dark-spell made the fire go at Rince, so he quickly in panic pressed the button from the "Ultra anti-acid cow helmet".

<klick>

<slush>

He pressed the green button...

<bffbumFFRROAREFFR>

Strange beer made the fire explode with big <FFRROAREFFR> sound.

Then he quickly pressed the red button.

<klick>

<slushtssssss>

And great cow milk made the big flames dissapear.

- Uh... ohhh...

Rincevamp was totally black from thoose flame burns.

- I... I'll kill that guy who teached me this spell... but... who was that? Was that Professor Selfsuffer? Hmm...

- ENOUGHT OF IT! FIRST A DWARF JUMPED NOISLY AT ME, THEN SOME DWARF FELLED FROM THE SKY, NOW YOU, VAMP, ARE SHOOTING FLAMES EVERYWHERE! HEH, YOU THINK THAT I WANT TO STAY HERE ALL NIGHT AND SHOUT?!? I MUST REST MY VOICE SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW?!?

- So stop screaming, you asshole. Sheeesh...

<BUM> - he closed the door with mighty <BUM>

- Err, sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you... eee, please, open the door.

- NO!

- Damn it. Wish I had some persuade skill...

<cup> <cup> <cup>

- Again? Whats up there? Another swig? Hey dwarf, did you saw something on that roof?

[PycHoL]

- Ough... Holy anvil... Thank you, I thought I would burn for death... Are you okay? Err... My back...

- Shut up!

Dwarf stood on and looked around, but it was dark and the view was dancing before him.

- The roof... The roof... I remember there was someone... he... it was somehow... reptilian. It was slimmy and wet. Blaoew... And there was some liquid I've landed in. I think that was an acid... Errr... My head... Is anyone going to explain me what's going on here? And who are you people? And... and... it's too much for me... Damn...

Dwarf falled on the ground.

- And my name is Svorn. - he added.

And he lost consciousness.

The man from opera opened door and looked around.

- You're still here? GET THAT BODY OUT OF HERE! AND YOU ALL GET OUT OF HERE! I don't want to see you here again, understood? Thank you.

And he closed door before anyone could say anything.

< Cup. Cup. Cup. >

[JaqbS]

Flashca was sitting in the inn near the Opera and drinking. Like he always does. Suddenly near him appeared two trolls - bodyguards of the inn.

Hey yu!, told one of them

Yu're an elf. We don't like elfs hir. Yu must get out. Now!

But, I am not an elf. I am human. Look at my earsh, look! They are earsh of human!, told Flashca

Bat yu luk like an elf. And yu must get out now!

Both of trolls catch hold of Flashca, and kicked him outside. He landed on the street, got up and told few curses about these two trolls. He looked around and saw group of people (or something like that) in the front of Opera building.

Hmm... Theshe guysh look intereshting. Maybe they are heroesh in one of many shtoriesh about heroesh. Who knows? I will meet them, maybe I can be another hero

He told to himself and went unstable to the Opera. Of course he was drunk, like always in this time of the day. When he got to them, no one saw him. Everybody stood opposite the door and tried to get in, someone screamed inside.

Hi, everybody!

They turned backward and saw high elf... or someboody who looks like an elf. And that person was drunk, he smells by alcohol...

My name ish Flashca, it ish nice to meet you. How do you do?

Ekhm... We're fine. Thanks. I'm Dot, I'm a dwarf as you see. And this is my axe - Lucky

Hi, Flashca!

Hi, I'm Kin'lera. Are you an elf?

Hmm... I think I am an elf. Yeah! I am real good and true dark elf

But...

Leave it, can't you see, that he's drunk... Ekhm, my name is Rincevind, the vampire

And I'm Meg

I'm a necromancer, I'm Macab

And who ish thish lying dwarf?

Oh, this one. He has just fallen here. Before he got unconscious, he told that his name is Svorn. And you must know that we're Nightwatch and we an arrested you, coz you're drunk and... you are an elf

Why? You know, in real I am not an elf. Jusht a human, look at my earsh! I jusht look like an elf

OK, I believe you

Ooff. At lesht you are reashonable. But why are you shtaying opposhite of thish doorsh. You wanna come in?

Flashca went to the door and knocked few times.

WHAT THE HELL ARE WANT AGAIN?! GET OUR OF THERE!

Shee. I ish me, Flashca. Open the door my friend. I have got some Omnian beer for you thish time.

Door was opened.

Oh, Flashca! Nice to see you, my friend. Show me this beer. Hmm... good, good. I like this. And how many dollars this time?

Nothing. Jusht let them get inshide. Maybe they want to see the Opera inside...

Hehe, no problem. For you always. But they must be quiet!

OK, we will

Sho, come with me and get inshide! Where you wanna to go?

Wait, we must take this unconscious dwarf. Who will carry him?

Don't look at me. Yes, he'is a dwarf too, but I don't want to carry him!

Hmm... I think. Yeah I think! Take him thish bottle, let him drink from it. It ish very shtrong alcohol it will hepl him. Yeah, it will. So, now where you wanna go in thish building? My friend will lead you and I can go with you

Yes, I will. They want to get on the roof, don't they? So, give that dwarf to drink the alcohol and let's go!

[SpellCaster]

- Ok team, we must walk in...and about you two lads...err...lets say, that you are a "Night Watcher for a litte period of time"...err...you work temporary for us then. Ok team! Enter!

Night watchers entered to the building of opera. Hall was very huge. Very very huge...a football match can be easily played there...with trolls as players...and ball like 2 tons rock...and...ekhem...the hall was very huge.

- Then, we must go upstairs...be so nice loud man and lead us...

- SHUT UP! I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THIS BOTTLE!!! And so for you...there are signs lik "to the roof ->". Easy way...GOOOOD NIGHT OFFICER!!! Hmph...

- Sheesh...I think, he is kinda poor. To clear that large building...

Night watchers leaded by deadly signs like "Don't enter here, roof isn't here, it's there ->" and dangerous traps like hole in the stairs went trough rooms. At last, after few traps and signs and really huge rooms (they can swear, that they had few kilometers!), they arrived to room with simply ladder leading to...to what? Ah yes...sign "Roof over here" tells everything.

- At last...on my beard...and how we take up this unconscious dwarf? What is his name, aye? Svyrnek? Fomfol? Whatever...

- I think he's name is...

- Never mind. Ok...now we must only...CRAP!

From kind a clap in the ceiling, where ladder ends, swam deadly green acid...ladder in a flash burnt down...

- Damn it...now, how we can go there, aye? How that dwarf sad? "Holy anvil"? That sentence isn't modest now...my grandgrandgranfather was saying stuff like this and "On my shovel!" and "May sant iron curse you" and "Awww! They cut off my arm! Bastards!"...that was modest ages ago...

- I think "They cut off my arm, bastards!" is on top everytime and everywhere.

- One point for you...ok ok...lets cut chit-chat here...how we can go on the roof?

- You dont see it? There is backup ladder over there...

- Ah...right...ok then...one, two, three...

They put backup ladder under a clap in the ceiling...

- Ok now, everyone go up!

After few seconds of climbing up, everyone from the team was upstairs, even uncouscioness dwarf.

- On...my...beard...

On the roof there was a big oval. It was lewitating in the mid-air. It seems, that was teleport. There arent any pictures byond him like forest or room...just back hole.

On roof there was sitting someone...dressed in black coat with the hood hiding face. When he just saw Night Watchers, he began to run to teleport.

- I cannot allow it! In the name of law! Stop!

Dot throwed Lucky after escaper.

- Nooooooo! You stupid dw...

Both, the escaper and axe dissapeard in teleport...After that, oval began to get smaller...

[_Rincewind]

- Ruuun! -cryied Rince and jumped into the teleport just right in time. Oval teleport closed after him.

***

<BUM>

Our hero fell down on the ground.

- Hi, thanks for dropping by.

- Ouughh.

Rince got up and looked around... This room was full of strange bottles lieing arond, some scrolls, some books... probable magic books... At the end of the room he saw doors. Hmm, that guy in a coat that escaped here, than he probabl...

- Mind if you'd take me out of this head instead of just standing here and doing nothing?

He looked down and saw this guy in a coat. He was lieing there with Lucky in back of his head. He took him out.

- Thanks... you know, its pretty odd felling, sitting in someones head. Of course I get used to it long time ago. To be honest, I had no choice...

- Yeah, let me put you on that table, ok? I must check something quickly.

He left Lucky on the table, that was standing nearby, and he made an investigation of the guy-in-a-coat remains...

...He found some bottles with swig acid, some tiny strange things, that he couldn't identify, and scroll with magic runes...

- Ah, that must be teleport scroll...

He couldn't decipher it. Those crazy runes were running and jumping, trying to escape from the view of his eyes. After a while runes seemed to get tired and slowed a bit. Rince almost read one word, but before he made it, runes suddenly started to jump & run again, more rapidly and faster then before. Gosh, they almost jumped out of the scroll! Rince felt slight pain that came to meet his eyes. Eyes weren't very happy and the pain was getting bigger and bigger...

- MmmmmgrraaaauuuuAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! STOP MOVING!!!

Rincevinds eyes were glowing with red light. No, not becouse of pain, but becouse of his dark blood magic.

Scroll runes suddenly stopped with great astonishment.

- You think that I have nothing better to do than just stand here and play "here I am, catch me" with you? You're annoying! How can you do that!?! How can you?...

- Hey, that was cool...

Runes were shocked. They tryied to make a few run & jumps, but that ended with a crash of seven runes and broken 'legs' of many others. They slowly moved, with shame, to their proper places on the scroll and looked at their reader with muted admiration.

After a few seconds his emotions slowed down, so he could finally read that scroll:

"

TFMPURAPY TELEPOPT

Ol ject: Opera rouf

Instructions: Make a five-star sign on the ground. Make mistical moves n.6 and scream with loud voice eight main cosmo notions. Then make a whirlwind with your quarterstuff(if not having one- you can use hands). Make a hand motion n.3 and n.67, then[...]

"

- What? You think that I'll do all this stuff? How... how can you?...

Runes quickly changed its places. Many of them dissapeared and many healthy runes replaced those crippled ones.

Rince read again:

"

TEMPORARY TELEPORT

Object: Opera roof

Instructions: Say "Woo-Bee-Woo" and clap your hands "clap" "clap" two times.

"

- Woobeewoo.

<klap> <klap>

<klap> <klaPZIUMZYT!>

Big owal teleport appeared in the mid-air...

Rince put in his head and said:

- Hi friends! You're still there? Good... Come in, come in...

[Qbuś]

Ankh Morpork was as busy and as smelly as any given weekday... Well maybe smellier as it was the middle of the summer and the heat made the stench of the river almost unbearable. The inhabitants got used to it, as one gets used to giant cockroaches in a students house, and life tumbled and rumbled on. As the sun set, various ekhm... interesting characters gathers in the town's taverns and other disreputable locations. But the one that interests us the most is the one called Broken Pencil or simply Pointless. Was it blind luck, was it narrativum, no one knows but the heroes of the unfolding story 'happened' to be at the same place on the fabled night which story your about to hear ( or maybe even create )...

____________________

Death of Rats stood idly on the counter of the bar and watched the crowd with and inquisitive yet veeeery deeply empty stare. It was the third day of his vacation and he stumbled into Ankh ( or it stumbled into him ). The night had a very peculiar feeling about it and he felt something strange by the skin of his bones. Personifacation or not his gut ( hmmmm... ) feelings rarely deceived him. This time this was also the case. A mere second later something swooshed, something wooshed, bottom change with top, left with right and not only once... It was no longer night and they were not it Morpork any more

-Holy squeak!

[_Rincewind]

It was a sunny beautiful day. The birds were singing, the grass was rolling by the blasts of wind. The sun was left up alone on the clean blue sky, so it could shine and shine... Oh, but our heroes and others couldn't sigh about the beautiful weather, becouse they were teleported to the underground complex few steps bellow. So, lets take a look inside...

It was quite dark and dirty place in there. They - a troll, dwarf, strange ranger, assasin, and Death Of Rats(our story heroes), and some supporting characters like Bartender or drunkard - were in the middle of big, round room. In the middle of circle of some hooded mysterious people. Before the small shocked crowd, that just a while ago was calmly drinking unidentified-drinks in Pointless, was standing one hooded person, that seemed to be head of all this maskarade.

- Mmmuaahh... hahah... hahah... - he laughed - I summoned you here to face the Justice of the Just Jus! You guilty, doomed, unfaithful, insolent, unworthy villains, who had audacity to come to that bad, wicked, evil place called... tavern! And to drink ardent spirits! Mmmuaahh... hahah... hahah... all ardent spirits drinkers will be punished!

[P_aul]

Oh yes. Hunting. Even in sunny day assasin can find shadows. I'm almost there... At last. This is the place. I use one of the windows to get inside and move toward the fat guy. I need his help. I just can't get to my victim otherwise. But few gold coins are making me his good friaend. Now I just have to wait. There it is. My Target. I can feel it's smell. It's just in front of me. Number 11 will do the trick... Knife cuts the body... Hmmmm delicious turkey...

Suddenly something happened.

- HEY I was eating!!

- Mmmuaahh... hahah... hahah... - laughed wierd hooded guy - I summoned you here to face the Justice of the Just Jus! You guilty, doomed, unfaithful, insolent, unworthy villains, who had audacity to come to that bad, wicked, evil place called... tavern! And to drink ardent spirits! Mmmuaahh... hahah... hahah... all ardent spirits drinkers will be punished!

I can't miss that chance...

- I am sorry to interrupt but I am a qualified guild assasin. If I understood your speach correctly you are interested in... er... inhumating this gentlemens. So how much are you able to pay for my asistance? And if it is not neccessary I would be most thankfull for teleporting me back to the tavern.

[JaqbS]

There is a dwarf. He (because there is male dwarf) has a long, thick beard, wears heavy iron armor and holds an axe in his hands. He is actually siiting. No, he was sitting, because he stood up whe he had heard weird speech by weird, hooded man.

- Mmmuaahh... hahah... hahah... - laughed wierd hooded man - I summoned you here to face the Justice of the Just Jus! You guilty, doomed, unfaithful, insolent, unworthy villains, who had audacity to come to that bad, wicked, evil place called... tavern! And to drink ardent spirits! Mmmuaahh... hahah... hahah... all ardent spirits drinkers will be punished!

He also saw the one who looks like an assasin talked something to hooded man. He decided to say what he thinks about this situation:

Heyyu! Noone hoodd man wilsay somthin' likethat tome! Ilike thisplac and Ilike ardntspirts and noone will punishme 'cozthen thatone willbe punishd byme and myax! That saidI - thfamous warrio'and vocalistof ThRustyHammrs! Yghrghwzr ismy name you foolsh blastards!

[SpellCaster]

A'Tuin swam slowly and gently trough the galaxy. His blind stare lied on endless ocean of stars.

Can you imagine a flat world lying on four elephants which stood on monstrous turtle? I think yes.

But can you imagine the old man, in whos pocket were lying all this galaxy full of flat worlds lying on turtles?

Can you imagine that this man whith whole galaxy in a pocket was living in world round like a ball?

Can you imagine that this round world where lived old men with another world in his pocket is only one of millions other, similar worlds?

Can you imagine unimaginable?

Probably not. But don't worry. Unimaginable cannot imagine something so small like one human.

But this story isn't similar to others. In that story an ordinary being and endless will stare on each other and...

- Where everybody go? Who's that funny man?

But probably not now.

- You don't understand! They were laughing! Laughing, because I! I the mighty warlock Stratius the Very Mighty! were allergic to alcohol! I was crying and...

- Who is that funn...

- Silence! DO NOT say a word! I couldn't get even drunk myself! I was...I was...and they were laughing and making a fool of me and...

- Are you a bad bad man mister?

- Umm...yes.

- Are you a...that word...umm...lord...lord of evil?

- Umm...yes, I think so...

- Are you a bad bad someone who says "no" when good good people ask for food for they poor poor children?

- Umm...no, Im regulary paying for charity fundation "Sunshine for poor children".

- Ah...so...but you are killing good good people?

- YES! I mean no! They were laughing! You must...understand...but...they were laughing...I have allergy...ohmygod

And only small pound of blood swam from under the club of B.

- Mister Cohen would be proud of me!

- Stratius you fool! You wanted revenge and I gived it to you! You fool, you ruined it all! But my dear, dear guests, this isn't an end. It's a beginning!

Shadows in room began to get thicker. Fantom voice dissapeard.

- Who was that funny man?

[Qbuś]

The mysterious hooded man who seemed to run this whole buisness seemed a bit familiar to Ratsy. Some distant memory, some distant death... Maybe a deceased house rat - who can remember. As Ratsy could be invisible if he wanted he creeped by the side of the wall and tried to get a good look at the fellow.

'Squeak, %@!' - he was deeply and thourghly shocked because the man noticed him.

This was something new for Ratsy but he ain't gonna stand for it. He backed away quickly... Jumped Mr. B's head, made himself visible to all, pointed into the direction of the hooded miscreant and exclaimed in a suprisingly unratty and powerful voice:

'SQEAK SQEAK!'

Suddenly most of the tavern (ex)guests felt a sudden urge to do not very nice thing ( presumably involving chickens and saws ) to the hooded hoodlum...

[_Rincewind]

- I'll be damn... it's a Death Of Rats... - Rincel wispered to himself.

'SQEAK SQEAK!'

Rincel felt that this is the moment...

- Get them guuuys! AAARR!! - He jumped to the nearest hooded-guard and kicked him in the groin.

- Arrgh! - cryed hooded-guard

Then Rincel quickly jumped to the other hooded person and he made a beautiful swing with his scimitar, from which second hooded man hit the floor unconscious. Then Rincel jumped to the third hooded-guard, he raised his scimitar and his nose met strong punch that belonged to the hooded guy.

- Uhh... my nose!... - Rincel paniced

- Mhmhahaha! - laughed the hooded-guard and pointed his hand at Rincel, he was about to cast some bad spell...

[JaqbS]

Hooded hoodlum... An angry dwarf... An Axe. This combination could make only some very unpleasant thing to one of them. And this one was of course the hooded hoodlum, but not for all... It was also unpleasant thing for an axe, because it was very old and rather weak axe. And this made a problem for that dwarf - he had to strain if he wanted to hurt the hooded hoodlum, so he was rather unhappy and did nothing when the chaos began. In one moment there was many hooded men and our dwarf couldn't decide who he should attack. Maybe so many hooded guards were the effect of beer which he had drunk earlier, but never mind...

Then dwarf realised that one of hooded-guard is pointed his hand to one man who fought against hooded men.

'Now its mytime!', he shouted. 'Youll tast myax you hoodd scoudrl!'

And he attacked the pointed man, but in time he realised he didn't charge to right person.

Am sory I dont wanto hurtyou', he said to the pointed man and after that turned to the hooded-guard. 'Die!'

Now he attacked who he had to attack. Hooded-guard was hit by dwarf's axe. He was hit again, and again, and again...

There was a desire of murder in eyes of the dwarf...

[SpellCaster]

- Ugh...B see more good good barbarian pals! B wanna smash too!

Huge troll ran to the nearest guard. Poor little guy, with family, beautiful wife and cute children, was shaking from terror.

- You are a bad bad mister! Roarghathargathh!

Guard closed his eyes.

- Raaaa!!!

And jumped.

- Raaa...? B cant see any...

Guard, with closed eyes, was holding B's head with very deep desire to survive this masacre.

- Stop! Stop! B can't see! Can't see!

Two and half meters tall troll was running in blind furry. In small room. Very small room. He was swinging his club like crazy. And he was blind. Very small room.

'Gulp...'

[Qbuś]

With havoc and destruction everywhere Ratsy was running like crazy around the floor trying very hard not to be seen or/and crushed by any feet/axes/clubs. All of this running made Ratsy quite irritated cause he usually prefered to take his time. 'Squeak, squeak' he sighed thinking bout the better days... But this was no time for reflection or sentiments... Maybe the attack command wasn't such a good idea but the very same moment he thought that he saw the head honcho running out of the room. There was something about the man that infuriarated him to such a state that he could not control himself. He ran after him and caught up with him in the next room.

The man was breathing heavily and Ratsy used this opportunity to sneak up on him. He quickly crawled up his trousers and started to cause havoc... The screams of the hooded man were heard by the rest of our heroes and they ran into the room just in time to barricade themselves from the bewildered guards.

Now they were going to have a little talk with one unlucky character....

[P_aul]

I realy hate only two things - crowded fights and killing without commission. That's why I sneaked out from the room just after hooded guy. Is it only my imagination, or is there a rat running afetr him? We've entered some room. I'm technicaly invisible in my black suit in this dark place. There's definetly a rat, but I've never seen a rat atacking human. Not without a good purpose I'd add. And I sure haven't seen a rat in small black coat... Oh I think I got it now... To say the truth I've possibly met His "bigger" version many times. Though I've never seen Him before... Screams of hooded man lured others into the room. It's time to ask some questions I think. I just step out from the shadows.

-Maybe you're new to Ankh-Morpork mister, so I'll explain you some rules of this place. If there is a bigger crime then tring to steel something from the guild thief it would be tring to kill the assasin. Without contract of course. So may I see your contract?

[_Rincewind]

Doors were shaking from the pressure of hooded-guards which tried to get in. Hooded guy was standing before our heroes.

- I don't need any contracts you fool!

Rincel looked at the door, the pressure seemed getting biger.

- Eee, you, whats your name pal? - he asked a big city troll

- B.

- Mind you put a hand on that door? I worry that they won't hold too long.

Rincel looked around, lost in thoughts. He didn't like this place, he used to spend time in nature, jumping from tree to tree, hunting on some rabbits, running from a bear... When the hooded-man was standing there just like that, with that tough face, to Rincels brain suddenly came a thought, that its time for questions, but he didn't know why... Hmm, I know, its time for some dipol... diplomatics stuff, yes... - he thought.

- Ee... okey, listen you guy! Where we are and how we can escape?

- Mmmuaahh... hahah... hahah... you wont get out of here! Hahah! - laughed the crowded-guy

- Oh, thats nice, but why?

- Mmmuaahh... hahah... hahah... becouse thats a dark dungeon with dark magic scattered everywhere!! Hahah!

- What? Why the hell you wish to spend all the beautifull days here in this slimy dark dungeon? Do you know what happens with your skin from that?? Not mentioning the smudges!!

- Mmmuaahh... h...

- Stop laughing!

- Mhmhh... as I said... they were laughing! I sweared that someday I shall take a revenge on all the tavern-people! So I gather and learn the dark arts to show them who's the big guy! And there will come that day, when they will lie on their knees, begging for some drink, and I will look upon them with contempt and a beer in my hand and a liquor in other!! HAhaHA!!

- Oh gasp. I want to mommy... - Rincel whispered to himself.