English Discworld Free Session

[_Rincewind]

- Uh... now it's a lot better. Thank you Kin for your care about me and thanks to you Dot also... but dont think that I dont heared your idea with pee... Hmm... good beer by the way.

Rincevind made some wierd chaos moves with his hands, with a lot of sparkling sparks jumping around it, and from his hands with <Bzziup!> sound appeared a rose. It was totally black, with red lines on the edge of its flakes.

- Thats for you, Kin. You see, dark magic can also be beautifull...

He gave it to her. Suddenly black rose turned into ashes, that slowly fallen down on the ground, swinging from left to right...

- Eee...

- Em, sorry, that sometimes happens... you know, by-product... I am still practising on this magic trick...

He walked away, looking around for some clues...

- swigiswigiswig!

- Hm?

- swigiswig! swigswig!

He looked down and he saw a small green insect, that seemed to be full of something... That insect probable fall out of the jar that m-m(misterious-man) was holding, while he was running. Hmm, that can be dangerous...

- Hello, swigy?

- swi?...

- Yees, hello sweety, greeny, little swigg.

- sw... swogibłigibłigibłgiiiiii!

<BdumBlurpBczssss>

Insect exploded and there, where it was one second ago, was now a hole, full of strange blurking substance.

- Heyhey, Night Dudes, come on here! I think that strange substance that we found in the dead body last night and in Kins... ex-shoe, comes from this kind of mutaded, little, green insects. Of course now there's nothing more than a big hole in sidewalk, full of blurking green substance... but this toxic substance is the hole of this whole affair... uh, it sounds strange, I know. Hmm, I think that Alchemic guild created these mutated insects.

Hmm... someone find something else?

[SpellCaster]

- Another good job Rince...if you are going to do that well all the time, maybe you recive a pay rise...

Dwarf take small box from his pocket and put some green acid into it. Then he take from pocket small piece of paper and after some time full of hard thinking he wrote something on it. Then he lick it and glue it to the box. Then he put it back to the pocket.

- Ok, tomorrow I take it to the g'lab. They check, if this is the same substance like one before.

- Hmm... someone find something else?

- Yes...I find something...it's...awful...eh, let's go, I let you see it by your own eyes...

They entered the building where Rince jumped to by the window and where he fought with mysterious man...

- You know...I though I can find some tips like piece of hair of that guy or small piece of his coat or something...you know, like on this funny moving pictures what showed us captain Salty. It's called "cinema". You don't saw it? There is a guy in a dark coat and he is detective and he talk how we must catch criminals. Captain told us it's an "Instruction film". And I saw on it foot of legendary sergeant Carrot! Really! Oh...this is the place...

They entered a big magazine. There was a lot of crates with signs "attention! glass or something like that!" and "care it really careful...or you don't like your live?".

- I thought this is an ordinary magazine full of...you know...something. But when I looked carefully...

- You mean I looked carefully...

- You haven't any eyes.

- And what? I'm magic axe you know. I don't need any eyes.

- Ehh...ok, Lucky saw it.

Dot with others guardians behind him stopped before large crate. He pushed it off and all can saw a large stairs going down to the dark. Dot stepped into the black hole and after a while he lighted a torch what was hanging on the tunnel wall.

- I think it hasn't any connection with our "chest hole" case, but crime is still a crime.

They stepped down and down and they stopped in undeground magazine full of another crates. Dot gave torch to Macab and took large crowbar what was lying on the ground and opened the nearest crate. In it was lying slashed off hand, a chest, near it an alone leg...and a popped off head...what spoke :

- Eee...hello there...

- It' seems that we found a lair of illegal imigrants and smugglers of...zombies...

[Kin'lera]

When they were in this cellar with one torch which was in Macares hands Kin saw with her elven colorblind sight something strange...

-Hey guys.... and Meg... I see something strange there...

Look! Behind this boxes...

Oh! Right ... you can't see this... erm.... PEOPLE...He went behind this boxes and it seemed to be a small flash...

She came back with her face covered with dust...

-Oh! What are you looking at... Something went wrong with my magic... but ... I found something...

She was holding a strange red wet pice of linen...

-Look this green linen is all covered in something just like oil...

-Erm... red linen you wanted to say... -Red? eee... maybe... I won't argue about it...

-It is red ...

-Dot what this zombie is doing here?

-I don't even know what am I doing here ...

-Ok ... That's a big problem... we are from the night watch... do you know who kept you here? Or why he did that?

Sir... we should go to the our Night Watch station and make a hearing...

Can someone take this gree... red linen form me and hide it into some save place?

Anyone?

Zombie took the linen from her...

-Hey! I wasn't talking to you ... give it back......

and ate it...

-Dot! He ate our trace...

-Sorry I thought that was eatable... I know that I'm a zombie ... but I was hungry...

Oh! Just great...

Dot let's go to our station ... or maybe first to the lab...

Ok... all the zombies... come out of your chests and come with us! It is an order!

[_Rincewind]

- No Kin. That is not a good idea. What do you think people will say, when they see a great parade of zombies walking down the street? I suggest that we'll leave them here and put someone from night guard in this area to watch this place. He'll hide somewhere and watch, maybe someone will come here for these zombies and maybe he'll hear what is it all about... Hmm... I dont know... Hey you, Zombie!

- ...Yeah?

- What are you doing here?

- ...Uh... lieing?

- Yes, I know, but why its so many zombies here? Who bringed it here?

- I dont know, as I said... But... I remember some strange guys that were cutting from our body the most toxic and mouldy parts...

- Oh, that must hurt.

- No really, it was even a bit... funny, you know?

- No, I've never been a zombie, sorry. But go on.

- Heh, thats all... aaa, I remember also some strange, jumping, little things.

- Did it made some kind of swig!swig!swig! sound?

- Aaa, yes, yes, that's very possible, yes. Sometimes I even heared strange bdumblurpbczsss! sound, some kind of small explosion, I think.

Now Rince notice that in floor and on the walls are many holes, that probable made those mutated insects.

- Mhm... so they are creating those damn toxic-exploding insects from the parts of rotten zombies... Here they are breeding zombies and in some other, unknown for us, place they create mutaded insects. But who are those "they"? I think that it's Alchemic Guild... that explosion, that happened last few days... that explosion wasn't typical, Dot? You said something about it... I suggest that we will go there, see how it looks like and then we'll go to our lab.

[vysoki]

And so, they went... Up the dark hall, throughout a messy room, then, by the window, on the streets of Ank-Morpokh.

The forehead of the group was Dot the dwarf, which, as Macab noticed, knew the city very well... Sweat Death! It seems like I wasn't speaking for a long time. You know, people babble senseless then...

Err, yes! Well, so they were going, after the dwarf. He took the leading, 'cos he knew the city best of them all.

Macab didn't feel very happy like leaving a room full of that delightful rot smell and zombies, which were only living creatures so close to death. But what Macab felt was not very important. What was important, was his service at Night Watch.

Wind blowed from south-east and north-west... No, it blowed from somewhere just above them.

Macab put an eye on the sky. A normal human wouldn't notice hothing. Every normal human, but Macab wasn't normal... No, you ... Not in that meaning, he was just original... Never mind... As I said, years that Macab spent in darknes or shadows, made his eyes more sensitive. He found four dark shapes, darker than dark clouds on the dark sky.

The shapes started to circle. They've circled for a time, and, suddenly, fell down with enormous speed. They've landed lightly on the ground just around the team...

-Holy Death!

Grey wings, head-sized eyes, hairy bodies and murder lust in their eyes. They were four giant-mutated-antropophagious-moths.

-So, mr Smart, what are we going to do now?

[SpellCaster]

- On my beard! What's that?

- SWIG! SWIG!

Said one of giant months and because he did bad landing, he exploded. He exploded and where he was standing, there were a lot of acid. This green toxic blowed on the nearest building and some walls melted...melted pretty fast I can say...like ice cube after meeting flame thrower...

- Gulp... - said Rience.

- It's seems that they made some big toxic insects. Errr...they are running here...it's looking pretty bad. Lucky...

- No way! I don't wanna melt!

- But you are a magic axe.

- Errr...lets say, that if I slash them, some acid may blow out on you.

- Good thinking...then...RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Our..."heroes"... ran from three big "swigs". It was late...about sixteenth o'clock. An autumn...but you can't say what season of year it's in Ankh-Morpork because it's an...Ankh-Morpork. If there were some trees, from theyr branches will falling leafs...

- AAaaaAAAaaa!!!

There wasn't very cold, because it was a beginning of autumn and because of a lot of carbon dioxide cause of a lot of people breathing in that city...

- ArrrRRrrrghhhHHhh!!!...

- SWIG! SWIG!

People was a little (but just a little) suprised because of...

- AaaAAaaaAAa!!!....

...some night watchers who were ran from three....

- NooOOnnnNNnooo!!!....

- SWIG! SWIG!

...Big moths. People had a lot of fun, because in Ankh if you see someone who is running from other someone and the chased man isn't you, then it's a lot of fun and kind of...joy.

- Oh no! A dead-end!

- SWIG! SWIG!

- Then, there isn't other way...Luuuucky! Flyyy!

- Whaaa?!?

An axe was throwed by dwarf. It was a funny view...a flying axe who was screaming something like "nononono!!!". After short time he slashed one of Swiggys. It exploded and throwed a hectoliter of acid at other swigs. They exploeded too. That was triple detonation and a lot of acid. When night guardians opened they eyes they saw, that some buildings disappeard. There were only sound of "tssSSsss" like melting of something. Building dissaepeard but there, where were standing Swigs, there apperad a big crater.

- Uppps...ekhem...this buildings were costing a lot for sure...ekhem...man who create this creatures must pay for that...not we...for sure. Ekhem...Lucky, are you alright?

- You know...I feel very clear. All of bacteries disapeared. Very clear.

- That's good.

- NOTHING IS GOOD DAMN DWARF! I can died!

- You can't die, dear friend.

- It's only your point of view.

- Ok, ok. I'm sorry. Now we take some acid of this moths and return to base. We check it in lab tomorrow. But if I meet another moths I...

- ...I definitly throw you, old hag.

- You havent any hands...

- ......dammit.

[3wcia]

-Oh yes we must go to the laboratory immediately. This acid looks awfully. I don't want to touch it. But... Hey what is this

She went to the crater and pointed at somthing in it.

-Hehe nice

She kept in her hand a small red ball, and shook it.

-SWING

She shook it one more time

-SWING

-Funny

-Look there is the same ball

-Oh There also is the ball, but it is green.

-They are beautiful. I want to have one.

-But...

-What? Let's go. We haven't got much time.

They were going to the base, and Meg was playing with this strange ball.

She shook in one more time when...

-Look. It is cracking.

Ball became bigger and green...

-Meg watch out

[vysoki]

-Leave that ball alone!

A piece of bone, with a great speed, hit the ball away from Meg's hand.

-You all to! Leave them alone!

The balls, thrown on the ground, blew up, one by one, with a quiet <tqh>

Something green, alive and kicking, went out of them. They were small worms.

-SWIG SWIG SWIG

Worms were directing straight at our heros.

-Aaaa! Iiii! I hate those green ones!

A few bone needles tooted in the air. Some more acid appeared on the ground. What was strange, the niddles looked like having great time in the acid, they didn't melted.

-Let me make some shoes for you...

After a while, four pairs of sandals, maybe not beautifull, but practical, were made.

-Now, shall we proceed to the guild?

[Kin'lera]

- Oh goodie... Sandals... at last I'll have new shoes... My feet were acheing a lot because of this dirty streets... I think they pour on them acid just to tease me...

-Here you go Kin...

- Thanks... but... they are made of...

-Bones... Yes...

-But how can we walk in that?

-Oh! Stop moaning, you can walk safely through this acid in them...

-Erm... ok...

-Dot , Meg , Rinc here you go, wear them ...

-Erm.... but... what about you?

-Oh right... I'll do mine sandals in a moment...

She tried her sandals on... in spite of the fact that they were made of bones ... they were really comfortable... specialy for someone who didn't have any shoes lately...

-Hey... maybe you should become a shoemaker...

-Stop joking ... it is just a little bit of my necromancing skills...

-Oh ok ok... Now I must try my sandals on this acid... I hope they won't melt just like my old shoes...

She carefully stept into the acid ... it was making a strange sounds but her sandals didn't melt!

-They are great! Oh I just love you for them!

She wanted to hug him but he was just making another pair of sandals...

-Erm... I really don't know how can you do them... but nevermind...

She steped away from him and again walked into the acid and started dancing....

-You can't do anything to me you stupid acid! HAHAHA....

Oh... Sorry... I was just carried away...

-I think we should now go to this guild... This case is getting weirder and weirder...

We should take some of this green acid with us... Macab can you do something to carry this acid?

They took some of this acid and went down the street... or maybe just melted down something what was supposed to be street....

When they left this shambles and started passing by normal buildings they noticed some strange shades....

-I don't want to scare you off but I think that someone is watching us right now...

They started looking round but thera was no-one there... They looked up and saw a big stone figure... which have just blinked...

-Dot! Is it just my imagination or this figure is moving?

I know that we were supposed to go to the guild but we should check this...

Boys help me climb over there... I'll check this out... and... maybe Meg will come with me ... I am scared a bit...

So? What would you say?

[_Rincewind]

- Hey, calm down, calm down... sheesh... Kin, thats just a stone gargule. And that building is an Opera. These stone gargules are just sitting on the top of it and observing. Thats their job. I'm not sure, but... is it capral Grug'kag? I met him once. Aloha! Capral Grug'kag!

- Es, at u ou ont.

- Oh, nothing special. Have you seen something interesting lately?

- O, excpt ese ig nsects ightng ith ou uys.

- Mhm, nothing more?

- O.

- Ok, bye!

- Ai!

So they walk away.

- Its very late now. We must go back to our "base" and rest. Tomorrow we'll go to our lab to check this acid from the swigs, as Dot said. I think that it would be also good to go see the remains and rebuilding of Alchemic Guild tomorrow. BUT we cannot tell them about all that we know, becouse I'm sure that they are making all this illegal and dangerous swigs.

So lets go...

So they continue walking...

After some time they entered their Night Guard base. When they were entering, everybody were only just waking up to start their night job.

- Jaaawn.

- Mlask.

- Jaawnmlaskjaaaawn.

- Everybody, wake up! Get to work! Only dumbs are sleeping at this hour!... get up... now... hrr... onnly dummmhrr... hrr...

Our heroes were very tired, so they fell asleep quickly...

[SpellCaster]

- Hmph! A dwarf in sandals? It's...they can laugh of me! I have my metal dwarfen boots and I'm not scared cause of some green, toxic water. But thank you Macab, for offer.

When they made it to the base, everybody fall asleep. In Night Watch's base remained only silence...and Dot, who fought with sleep, to gave a report to captain Salty. Even Lucky was quiet.

- Knock knock.

- It's open Dot, you know that.

- Goodnight captain.

- But I don't go to sleep.

- But this night is nice, isn't it?

- Yes....ok, stop talking. I want to hear full report.

- We took a plenty of acid to analis, cause we found a fifty green insects who exploded and throw on us a lot of toxic.

- Fifty?

- I didn't count...maybe sixty.

- Ok, let's leave the details...

- Details? There were a seventy giant months! I almost died! I want a bigger salary...or premium cash.

- A while ago you spoke, that there wer only sixty insects.

- I told you captain, I didn't count them.

- Then, here is your premium...

- Wow! 100 Anks dollars! ONE HOUNDRED ANKH DOLLARS! I love you captains Salty!

- Ok, now give me 300 dollars for those buildings what exploded.

- Gulp...

- Give me that premium back...and 200 dollars.

- Ehh...here you have 200 dollars, rest I give you later.

- Give me now! An Ankh's treasury is pushing me. I have a knife on my neck.

- Ok ok...I understand the allusion. Here you go...bye bye dollars...bye bye premium...live is so brutal...... Ah, one more thing. We found a magazine of illegal imigrants and smugglers of zombies on "New-Old" street. It is very possible, that it's have a connection to the "hole chest" case.

- Thank you Dot. Now go to bed.

- But now I'm gonna have nightmares.

- Why?

- You took almost all my cash.

- Ah...goodnight sergeant.

- Good? I'm gonna to woke up severly times for sure.

- Then go on patrol to Shades.

- Ok, ok...goodnight captain. And please, inform me if lab check that first probe of acid.

- Ok. Sleep well.

- Yeah, right...

[3wcia]

-Wake up, come on. You haven't got time to sleep.

-Ohh What?? Ok ok.. so I want egg with becon and toast.

-Grrr. It is no time to eat, and this in not a restaurant. But you know, It left some porridge from my breakfast. I'll give you it.

-What?? No, no, no. Please not. I was joking I don't want breakfast.

-As you wish. And I think the others also don't want it...

-What? No

-Hey I am hungry

...so hmm Oh I know. The lab checked this acid.

-and?

-They've seen it firs time. It is very strange. It melts wood, many kinds of metal, stones, and many other things.

-Oh

Yes. But they noticed that milk resolve it. They don't know why. This. it is very strange.

-This don't have any sense. Green insects, strange acid, awful porridge and my bad hair-dress this morning. It must be somehow connected.

-Meg This hair-dress is because of you haven't got pecten

Oh nevermind. I knew that my journey to Ankh-morpork wouldn't be normal . This stupid city. Ohh I hate it.

She sat on the floor and started to craying.

-Oh I'm tired I'm hungry and I don't want to be in Night Wath.

[SpellCaster]

- Ah...one more thing. We found another body with that strange hole. That was a troll.

- Good...I'm going to like this murderer.

- Dot! Stop it. I know you hate trolls, but don't...don't show it in this way.

- Sorry sir.

- But this another murder means one thing. Nobody is safe. If this acid can make a big hole in troll, then why in dwarf or vampire? I have a new task for your team, sergeant. You must go on crime's place and search everything. After that, check if that first killed man knowed that troll. It can be important.

- Yes sir. After a breakfast I'm going to check that.

- Ah, and one more thing. This is for you, Dot and others.

- Whats this? It is looking like stupid helmet with horns.

- This is an "Ultra anti-acid cow helmet". I recieved it from labolatory.

- Wha-what?

- An "Ultra anti-acid cow helmet". You must put this on your head. And when that acid are going to melt you, presh that red button. Then a two liters of milk from horns are going fall on your head and swim on other parts of your body and neutralise the acid.

- Eeee...I don't wanna wear that stupid hat! Dwarf never drink milk! They drink beer when they are three years old!

- This is an order, Dot! You too, recruits, wear this cow helmets. This is just for safety. And remember, push red button when in danger from that toxic. And here is your salary, go to tavern and eat breakfast. Then do the task.

- Yes sir ...come to daddy dear golden friends...

- Hey! Don't forgot to pay my salary too, old beard!

- And for what you are going to spent that money?

- Let me think...maybe I buy one of this sexy throwing axe and merry her?

- I just see it. Two axes in the temple of small gods, who are going to merry each other...BUAHAHAHA!!!

- Don't laugh, stupid dwarf!

- And maybe some kids, aye? A boy named knife and girl named scissoria, BUAHAHAHAHA!

- Just give me my money.

- Forget it!

- Why? I worked for it!

- You are just an...object.

- I knowed! I knowed you say it someday! I know, I'm just an axe! A stupid axe, what can only slash your enemies!

- Don't say that. You know I'm your friend. Sorry for that "object". You know, I don't think in that way.

- Eh, this is first time, when we argue about a women...

- A women?!? Lucky, this is only an axe!

- Yea, you aren't better. You think, that beard and metal armor is sexy.

- You are going to far, my friend.

- Ok, let's just stop it. Give me my money, and lets forget about that.

- Ok, I give you money, and you are going to catch it in your hands? Or put it in your pound, huh?

- ...

[_Rincewind]

- Wow! A "Ultra anti-acid cow helmet"? Cool... But what about that green button? Lets see...

- No! Dont push it!...

<klick>

<sllushhh>

From helmets third horn started to spurt many litres of beer.

- Wha... What is that!?!

- Sorry, I just couldn't refrain myself.

- Why? ...Pretty good idea, I think.

- Geez Wheez. Lets go then at the scene of crime. Where is it exactly?

- Before the 1st Ankh Bridge. A perfect place for a crime, dont you think? There is a lot of fog, even if it's night or day, it's always pretty foggy place. But why do I tell you this, you know this city very well, dont you?

- I hate this city.

- Well...

- Ahh, I forget one thing. I have a pretty good spell, you know? If you aren't affraid of little blood... hehe. But that require some fresh blood. Only then that bloody magic can be cast. That spell will make an eteric-bloody shield around your shoes, that will be perfectly resistant to all kind of acid and other things. Then you could wear your favourite boots, instead of this bone-shoes... no offense Macab, I just think that my spell would be more practical. So who want some? I'll start from myself. But first I need some fresh blood...

He looks around lost in thoughts.

- Ah blast it. I think that my bloody-crackers could be enought. Want some? ...No? Ok.

<chrupmlaskchlastchruptrzaskmlask>

- Mmmm, good... powwwerrr.

He shakes his hands and points at his shoes.

- BlAkAtRaKaMakA BlOoDrAm!!!

His eyes starts to shy with red light and his shoes began to change its colour to strong red, very realistic bloody color.

- Aha, now let me show you...

Near him was lieing a big dish with acid from the insects.

He put his leg into it.

- You see? Totally resistable for all kinds of a... a... aaaAAAiiiiiaaAA!

He quickly took his leg out of the dish, and pressed the red helmet button.

<klick>

<sllushhh>

- Aaah, thats better...

From his shoe left only a poor shoe remains.

- Emm, damn it. That bloody magic! It's not always working. So... I think that these bone-shoes could be usefull... But what the hell, lets go to the crime scene!

So they walk and walk and walk and...

- So we are here. Everybody! Lets check this place out!

Our Night Guards started to search the crime scene. The place right near the foggy Ankh Bridge.

[vysoki]

-Dot, if you don't like the sandals, I can give you these- he shown him a pair of rough, bone boots.

-Better? Satisfied? Has anyone else got anything against my sandals?

At the foggy bank of Ankh, near the bridge, where a murder was commited, they were looking for some clues. The fog was as thick as porridge, but it smelled even worse. In fact, it is strange that the fog wasn't green...

<ekhm>Well, what was I talking about?

-That something has killed an adult troll, hasn't it? Doing him a great hole in chest? Let me guess... That hole was made by some acid, wasn...

<yeboot!>

He tripped by something big, green and smelling. What's more - it had a big hole where a stomach should be...

-Hey, guys I've got something interesting for you... Awww, that's awesome! I need to examine the creature which did that!

[SpellCaster]

- Awww...another body. And this one is Old Greenie. Old Greenie is VERY old zombie. How I know it? Hes skin is green. But now we know that we have serious problem. If that toxic can kill a zombie (an old, but still a zombie), then none can stop this acid. None. Hem...milk can. But we cannot sink all city in milk! WE MUST FIND THAT LOONIE WHO ARE PRODUCING THOSE MUTANTS!!!

- Hey old beard...relax a bit. Calculate what tips we have now.

- Ok ok...we have two...no, three bodies, with hole in the chest. We have a murderer who escape from us, we have a magazine full of zombies (now it's empty, cauz Night watchers "cleared" it), a giant Swiggs who tryied to kill'as and a lot of very toxic acid.

- Now add all...what you have?

- Hem...a big piece of shit?

- Not exactly...but you are near.

- An iron cake of my grandma?

- Warm...

- GRANDMA?!?

- Cold...

- Hmm...on my beard...something very awful?

- Hot...

- Something very awful.....MY GRANDMA!?!

- Nope...think, what is the most awful thing in this city? The most smelly and ugly?

- MY GRANDMA!?!

- It's not your grandmother you jerk!

- Trolls?

- They smell nice...like earth...

- They have awful smell...the smell of Troll!

- Ok ok...guess further.

- The most ugly and smelly thing in this city (and it isn't my grandma)...the city?

- Errr...yeah, but I mean the MOST ugly and smelly part of the city.

- Shades?

- Yes, you right, this is the most ugly and smelly place...but it's not that what I have on my mind.

- Then...river!

- Very hot! Where river falls?

- To sewers!?!

- YAY! You are the best Dot!

- I'm trying, you know..... Ok team! Meg and I are going to carry this body on our back. Rest must search crates leading to sewers!

- And what with some reinforcements?

- We can do it ourselfs.

- But imagine. Few giga-swiggs...tight sewer tunnel...big explosion. Puff...and we are gone.

- Gulp...sheesh...ok team...I-I-I-I'm not scared, we have milk, but we all must decide. And this boots of yours, Macab, are defending only feets. Then...wait for reinforcements? Or go downstairs and achieve glory and...MONEY! We are going down! This is an order!

- But...

- I know, you all are keen to get down there. I have a great team of mighty heroes! On my beard! There is an entrace.

Dot opened crate and kicked Rince in the butt that hard, that he fall to the dark hole. <AAAaaaAAaa>...<BUM>

- But...

- Don't talk, just hop in! You imagine?!? That pile of money and medals? And glory?

<kick> AaaaAAaaa.... <BUM> <ouch!>

- But...

<kick> AAaaaaAAaaa.... <BUM!> <Ugh!><Ouch!>

- But Dot, we must...

<kick> AAAaaaaAAaaa... <BUM!> <Arrgh!><Ugh!><Ouch!>

- For glory and...money!... :twisted: AaaaAAAaaa.... <BUM!><IIkk!><Arrrgh!><Ugh!><Ouch!>

- Just great...we haven't even a stupid torch.

- Dont look at me like that...that was a...a moment of my cause-of-money-weak mind. I cant think properly then.

- Yeah...you cannot think properly, and we haven't even a torch! You are a...sheee! Quiet...I heard something...you heard that too, Dot?

- Stupid axe...you havent even ears!

- Shut up and listen!

swig swig...swig swig....swig swig...swig swig...swig swig...swig swig...swig swig...swig swig...swig swig...swig swig...swig swig...swig swig...SWIG SWIG!!!...

- Gulp...

[3wcia]

-Ohh shut up supid axe. How this little thing from wood and metal can be so irratating.

She kicked him and smile.

-Ouch!

-Yeah that's better. But.. Hey no not again. This SWIG make me angry.

-SWIG SWIG SWIG[

-arghhh the worst thing in this swiging insects is this noise

-Don't talk. Run!!! There are milions of them

-Maby you're right

They are running very fast, but suddenly...

-Ouuuu

-What's happend Meg?

-My leg, ohh I thing I've twisted my ancle

-Ohh this 'swig swig' is closer. come on

-But I can't run

[Kin'lera]

Dot! We must turn back... Oh shesssssh.... you put us into this! ARGH!

Everybody follow me! Hurry up! Just run run RUN

Go Go Go .... Into this corridor!

They had hidden in the samall niche.

Swig swig swig swig swig swig swig swig swig

Sheesh ... I taught it will kill us...

DOT !!!!! YOU ARE ..... ARGH!

Just great... I'm in sewers...

I can't breathe

I'm all covered in bruises...

and gigant green somethings are running nearby...

-OH STOP MOANINIG!

Dot we must run from this swig swig somethings... Lets look round..... hmmm... Ok let go guys to the left corridor...

They followed Kin without saying anything because it was nothing to say... they were trapped in sewers with the worst smell in the whole Disc world...

Suddenly...

Hey! Do you hear this blurping sound?

I hear something...

Kin looked in the nearby corridor ...

-Guys! Meg! This corridor is full of fog! And it is green!

I have a strange feeleng that we have just found a laboratory which produce this monsters ...

Now.... be quite we must observe it ...

SUDDENLY a gigant swig saw her face ...

<GLUP> It was bad idea! Run guys ruuuuuuuuun!!!!!!!

[_Rincewind]

- Run? RUN?!? Never! I have enought of this! Let me show that stupid Swig...

He took his Sword Filled With Pure Dark Magic and run into nearest Swig in the Lab.

- YyyaaaaAAA!!! DIE SWIG!!!

He drived his sword right into Swigs stomach. (or something that seemed to be stomach)

- Hahaha!

He took out his sword and from his sword has left only that handy part.

- Ups...

Wounded Swig started to get biger and biger...

- Shit!...

Rince quickly jumped to the doors, where his night-friends were standing with shocked opened eyes.

- Rince, you dump...

<Bzdumplurbsss> - Wounded Swig exploded, making a pretty big hole and a lot of noise

Suddenly from many dark corners of this big lab room, came out many, many Swigs. They were getting closer and closer.

Rince thinked... He looked at the Swigs, at the massive numbers of bookcases standing everywhere in the lab (but instead of books, there were bottles full of condensed swig acid in it), then at the door, in which they were standing... He decided...

Rince saw throught the green fog, that Swigs were now everywhere and were preparing for massive attack. He made some wird moves with his hand and pointed one of many acid bottles. Unseen dark telekinetic chaos magic flew from his hand to that acid bottle and the acid bottle exploded.

Chain reaction was unavoidable...

<Bzium> <Bum> <Bzss> <BUMBZSS> <BLURBCZSSBLAST>

Once an acid bottle exploded, then other exploded. When other exploded, then Swigs exploded. When Swigs exploded, then more Swigs exploded. Etc. etc. There was more and more acid. After few seconds there was a big river of acid that flowed right at our heroes.

- Quickly!

Rince pushed out everybody and quickly closed the door. Door seemed to be an old, strong, good doors.

- Meg, let me see your ankle. I think that my blood magic could be usefull here. But where are my blood-crackers? Oh, here. Anybody want some?... No? Ok. <chrup> <mlask> <crank> <chrup>

- Eee, Rince... its not time for crackers, you know...

- Why? <chrupmlask> Jamy jamy, tasty! Ok, now when I've got fresh blood power, let me see your ankle, Meg. Dont worry, it wont hurt.

- Ommmm BlOdAkRaKaBlOoOoDd

Strange blood energy flew into megs ankle.

- AaAaAhhh!

- Allright Meg, now it should be ok... Kin? What happened?

- Doors are melting!!!

- What? Oh no! The great acid river will flow us! RUN!!!

[Kin'lera]

Oh god... let me do something about it...

Kin mumbled few words and in her hands showed big white sparkling net.

She threw it on the doors. It stopped the acid from melting them for a moment.

Come on boys and girls... we must run!

They run few meters to the nearest alley. The acid "ate" the doors... big wave was just behind them!...

Oh no! I don't know what I'm saying now...

hurry up and jump into sewers... It's better to melt because of the river Ankh then from this acid!....

Come on please ... I don't want to be melted... we have a slight chance not to die in this "wather"...

-AAAAAAAAAA<splash>

I don't want to die... I'm to young <splash>

o gooooood<splash>

Why meee..... <splash>

arghhhhh <splash>

Oh god .... why am I lying on the river? ... we must try to run ...

The acid was just about to pour into the sewers... but.... the river went up and covered the acid... It was all gone....

-IT'S ALIVE..... OH GOD.... THE RIVER JUST ATE THIS ACID!

Dot !!!!! We must train this "wather" to be in a night watch...! ! !

[SpellCaster]

That day was after few days named "the day of damned water". Our heroes fortunately left sewers and returned to Night watcher's base to report everything. But that wasn't end...that was a beginning.

Mister Smoothy usually wash in bath one time in the year. He looked on calendar and with sad face he read, that present day is "THE DAY OF CLEAN BODY" (yuck!). He sighted quietly. But tradition is a tradition. He shed a bucket of water into the old and rusty bath. Water wasn't very clean and warm. It was from river Ankh and even building of polutions cleaning didn't help. Mister Smoothy sighted again and jumped into the bath. He saw, that his body began to melt. He screamed. He screamed like he was burning alive... He was.

Old Grandma hasn't any name. Once she forgot it and from that time all people called her Old Grandma. All people was very kind to her. They gave her sweet apples, some shugar, from time to time handmade apple pie. Why? She was an Old Grandma and she was very nice to all. They tried to be nice to her too. In that day she was sitting on her favourite chair and made something on her knitting needles. This year's spring was very warm, even hot. Old Grandma took a glass of muddy water. She was poor. So poor, that she cannot buy even a clean water. Then she musted to drink what she got for free. Water from river Ankh. She drinked slowly. She began to scream. Scream that loud, like she was burning from inside...She was.

Great Shot was a dwarf. A dwarf who was proud of his name. But different of his name, he wasn't an archer or crossbowmen. He was a blacksmith. In this day, like in all days, he worked in his smithy. He has made a sword. A great two-handed sword what's fate was to slash enemies in hand of great warrior. He has made a hit after the hit. Metal was very hot, from metallic grey he changed to red. Mister Shot's big hammer has hitted more and more the sword what was lying on anvil. He has stopped to hit metal by his hammer. He has took the red from hot sword and put it in dirty water. He has never buy clear water to drink for cooling the metal because that was only unwanted spent of money. The water was from the river. He has put sword to cool down hot metal in the water. From bucket began to apper steam. Steam was green, not white. The blacksmith, mister Great Shot, suffocate himself by smelling the steam. He felt like his blood stopped to move and disappeard...it did.

From all city began to appeared loud screams. Screams of people, who were dying and they knew, that they were dying. They died like they were tortured to death...they were. Theyre screams were very loud...and then remained only silence. The silence of death.

Man was waiting for someone. The shadow behind him changed shapes and transformed into the shaped-looking human being. Shadow spoke :

- All is going as we planned.

- Good....very good.

The Death and the Death of rat had much work to do in this day..."the Day of damned water"...the day of pain and death.

[_Rincewind]

Few days later...

Our Night guards were walking calmly down the street as usual. It was dark and our Night heroes prefered to stay together. It was much safer and better to stay together. Yess... In last few days nothing special happened. Except Ankh river that seemed to be more green and toxic... And wholesale of Mineral-Water growed much, no one know why...

Night guards were now walking next to the Opera.

- Dim dum dudum dum... dum dam dim... la la la la la dim... ... ... LADIM dam DI...

- Shut up out there!!! - someone shouted from the window

- Allriiight! Geeez!

- People want to sleep, you know?!? - he shouted again and closed his window with big <BLAST>

- Man... it's just that aura of this Opera building... it makes me want to sing. Kin, are you bored? Couse I am... sheesh... jaaawn... <kap> kap? <kap> you heared that? <kap> hmm... <kappss>

From the roof of the opera building were trickling drops of toxic acid. Rince saw some strange shape out there, and from this strange shape on the roof were trickling drops of acid. One after one after one... It were making a small holes on the ground with <pss> sound.

- Strange... is someone lieing there on the roof? And this small toxic drops looks like Swigs acid, aren't they?

[Kin'lera]

Rince I think that we should check it ... This must be important .....as always when we find this strange swig's acid...

Ok ... we must get inside the Opera... maybe........ we'll knock .... isn't it great idea?

She went to the big massive doors and knocked ....

-WHAT DO YOU WANT?

-We are from the Night Watch and we wanted to go on the roof and check something...

-WHAT?

-WE ARE FROM THE NIGHT WATCH AND WE WANTED TO GO ON THE ROOF...

-NO

-BUT

-GO AWAY!

-BUT.......

-NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Errrm .... what is with him? something bite him or what? ....... I think that we should try to get to the roof by climbing..... yes that is the better idea....

And you know.... this is strange..... why didn't he wanted to let us in? Maybe he have something to hide....

Ok we must find something to clim to the roof ... a hook or something ..... and a rope ....hmmmmm or maybe we will climb on this ivy.... hmmmm... so ? Are we trying this?

I don't think that is a good.......

In this very moment Kin jumped on the wall and started climbing on the ivy...

idea... this is a poison ivy.....

aaa ..... itchy itchy ..... get me off of it.....

Kin started scratching one hand with another and let the ivy go.....

My hands my poor hands.... auuuu ..... I must heal myself

She started singing something silently and her hands stopped looking like little red baloons...

Eh ... I think that we must find a rope.... or persuade this man to let us in ...

[SpellCaster]

- Ehh...why all newbie are like this? Remember! We represent the city in night! We are the LAW! And no one...I repeat once more to you, newbies...NO ONE WILL SHOUT ON NIGHT WATCHER!

- SHUT THE HELL UP CRAZY DWARF! I WANT TO SLEEP!

- NO ONE...ah..why I am screaming? Lucky, are you ready?!?

- Im always ready for action old beardie! Lets kick his ass!

- You havent any legs for kicking...

- Oh..

...

- It's a detail...

- You have right...

- Then what are we waiting for? Lets kick his...

...

- Eh...just hit this stupid door...

- Yeah...right...

Rest of Night watchers were standing next to Dot and they had...disgusted faces...

Dot took few steps from the wooden doors. He looked once more on it and said something like <look newbies and learn how to take care of old fogy>. Then Dot start to charge...

There was a while, where it would appear that old mother night was counting...

1...

Dot and Lucky started screaming an old dwarfen battle shout like <GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!>

2...

Dot tripped and fall and start to slide on his face straight to the doors...

3...

An "old fogy" shouted something like <OK, OK IM OPENING JUST STOP SHOUT!!!>

4...

Doors opened and Dot whith Lucky slide beautiful in the opened entrace...

5...

A whole building of Opera shiver, when loud <BUM!> and <OUCH!> can be heard.

There was a while, where it would appear that old mother night was laughing.

Dot stand up whith whole face in blood and the small pieces of his beard left and said :

- Yo se? This is a wei, how to tek cere of old fohy...

Then he fall on his face and become unconsciousness.

There was a while, where it would appear that old mother night was crying from laughing.

- Sheesh...that was an overkill

There was a while, where it would appear that old mother night died from laughing...

If only there is an old mother night...and if she can die.

[PycHoL]

Meanwhile, before the Unseen University building, the mage was talking with dwarf...

- No, you can't study at Unseen University!

- Why?

- Because... eee... Because you are dwarf!

- And? Does it change anything?

- Eee... Yes. Indeed. Dwarves cannot study at Unseen University. Because they are dwarves.

- But... It's a rascism! A dwarf can be as good in doing magic as any man! It's not fair! I want to talk with Arch Chancellor!

- Oh, I don't think it'll help you.

- But... But... It's not fair... - a dwarf was going to cry.

- Sorry. No bonus.

- I... I... - he was getting angry... very angry - I WILL KILL YOU!!

And in next moment a small, but deadly axe apeared in his hand. But mage was faster - he hit dwarf's stomach with his stick. Dwarf wanted to counter-attack, but a magician prepared a spell - and in next second dwarf was flying above the Ankh-Morpork. Nobody have seen him, except of one thief.

- Hey, look, the flying dwarf! - he said to street trader selling sausages.

- Where? - merchant turned round and in that moment thief stole his pocket and ran away.

- Wow! So what about half a dollar for sausage? I'm cutting my own... Hey, where did he go?

Usually landing in water is soft, but not in Ankh-Morpork. And not in case of when your bottom hit in puddle. Dwarf stood up and then felt some strange smell. And then he felt something more...

- Aaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh! I'm buuuuurniiiiing!!

He ran forwards, not knowing, where he was heading. Then he ran into something... Or someone... If he weren't burning, he would have sure seen that it was slimmy and ugly. But he was already burning. In panic he ran out of the roof.

Five Night Watch Guards saw a dwarf falling from the building of Ankh-Morpork Opera. It must have hurt.

- AAUURRGHH!!! I'm burning! Heeelp! Heeelp, goodwill people...