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English Discworld Free Session

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This story begins, when sky was blue and stars shone very bright...

- Ekhem...

When pure wind flow happily trought the clear city...

- Errr...

Pure river swam trought the city. In it's water lived happily fishes...

- Excuse me...

In that city lived in peace nice people, who helped eachother and...

- But...

WHAT NOW? Don't you see I'm a story teller of this history? History full of brave heroes who fought with cruel evil?

- This is Ankh-Morpork.

Ekhem...this Ankh-Morpork?

- Yes.

But they tell me that this city is pure!

- Yes, pure like my dwarven grandmother's panties, who wasn't wash from years...

And river swim happily!

- Yes, it swim. But swim very...slow. And not very hapilly I can say.

And what with all happy fishies?

- What fishies?

Oh...

- How high is your salary?

Not very high. I can say it's very low.

- Then why are you so suprised? You can told worst stories. Like that about uncle Oj, who died because of...

Ok, ok. You have right. I start one more time. Ekhem...the night was dark...

- "Dark" is to weak word for that darkness.

Why?

- We are in Shades.

Oh. I heard about this place. It's scary. And not very...hospitable. Then what are you doing here?

- I'm from night watch. I patrol this place. I'm Dot. Dot Not-Weak, and this is my axe, Lucky.

- Hello.

Oh...hi...

- Sorry for a while, but I must do my diuties. Ekhem...IT'S TWELVE O'CLOCK AND EVERYTHING IS <! bum !>...ouch...I trip off something. Awww...bloody hell. Why does that always meets me? Another dead body in the shades. Nothing special thought.

- Look boss. Look closer.

- Oh, just sweet. A strange murder. A dead body with biiig, circle hole in the chest. Why does it always...sheesh! Be quiet! I heard something! A running men. He is running from this place.

Then he is a murderer! Catch him!

- But this can be dangerous. What if I catch him? Brrr...it can be VERY dangerous...

- But think...he can have some gold.

- Arrrgh! An evil murderer of an innocent men! I catch you and pop off your head! Lucky, my faithful axe! Guard the body when I follow the murderer!

- But...

Too late. He run into a dark alley.

- But I'm only an axe! How I can guard something? I can only lie here. Or slash when I'm in someones hand. But I don't see enyones hand here. I'm scared...mummy...

You have mother?

- Oh, shut up...

...This story begins, when night was black like big piece of coal...

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A dark night in Ankh-Morporok just like any other night here ... never peaceful ...nevr beautiful ( oh... why this came on my mind ...)

Suddenly after a lot of screaming and fighting something small rolled from a tavern...

- Oh bloody hell if only I wasn't so drunk ... I would kill you all you stupid people... YOU DON'T KNOW WHO AM I! Oh I'll show them respect ... hyp... Or maybe I'll go and take a nap somewhere... hyp... Oh stupid wine ...

One pair of strange eyes was wandering through Ankh-Morpork

- Oh the heck where am I? Maybe I should find a river and swim a little bit... or maybe not... through the Shades....

-Oh ... is it only my imagination or am I really in shades now? Oh... if somebody show i'll kill him ... OH HOW I HATE YOU PEOPLE... hyp...

Suddenly someone slaped across her sight...

- Oh... my firs victim tonight ... come to me ... don't be sceard... oh the heck come here ... How can I cast a spell if you are hiding?

I don't want to hurt you ... I'll do it quickly and painless( or mayby not who cares)

-aaaa no please don't don't ... ok I did it I did it please don't kill me ...

- You did what? And if I don't kill you what I'm going to eat for the supper? Did you thought of that?

-AAAAAAAAAAA ..........

- Hey! Stop running ... I'm too druk to chase you.. Oh well that was my supper and it just run away...

Suddenly...

-Oh great... now what? Who is there? And why are you talking to your axe?

- Oh ... why I'm alway getting the wird guys ... Well meet is meet ... Hey you ... What are you doing here?

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This story begins at night, dark as a piece of coal...

A young, extremely thin youngster slipped through the night. You would think he was created from the darkness. Altough he was so pale, altough he was so visible on the background of the shadows, you'd say he was created for the darkness. He didn't seem to be affraid of anything that could hide in the night, he was looking like having fun with all these creatures there. Most of people were affraid of places he liked specially. And there were quite few people that would dare to have a walk in the Shades...

Chasing a Bigrat to eat, he was running as fast as he could, but the rat ws still getting away... He never was fit... Sixth unsuccesfull hunting tonight... Tired and starving, he was to give up, when sudduenly he heard some noise from the bushes beside.

He came up to the scrubs quietly, listening. It looked like three people talking. He took a quick look above the bush too find a half-elf, a dwarf and... an axe. He was so amused that he felt over the bush. He was so concious to cast a bone dagger in his palm.

-Err, wht's that party about?

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Someone(Rincevind) was moving quietly through the street. Very quietly. It was night and if you got even a little piece of brain, you'd know that in Ankh-Morpork better not to cause attention... specially when its dark. Even if you have a Long Sword filled with pure dark magic and a basic-magic abilities, and even if you are a vampire... its better not to throw in eyes...

Suddenly he heared...

- Aaaa! <tuptuptuptup>

Someone was running. Mhm, good... he was starting to get hungry...

[few seconds later]

- Mmm, tasty blood... hm? What is that?

From the body, that while ago was running from something, he picked up a strange scroll. It was written with Dwarf language so he didn't manage to decipher its runes.

- "Burgah krumgum rug ezmal rg heg greg..." what that means?

***

Half-elf woman, a dwarf and a necromancer were running, looking for someone...

- Come on, where did he run?

- Its somewhere there...

- We'll catch him.

- There!...

They saw a body under some vampire. From his mouth blood was flowing down...

- Hey... you killed him!

- Wha... what? Him? It was my supper!

- Yeah, and the guy we were chasing. Holy coin, he killed someone. And now when you killed him we dont have any clues who he works for... eee, had he any gold?

- No, but he had this strange dwarfen-scroll.

Someone was observing them... from the roof of the nearest building. He was in bad mood. His plan didn't work and it was getting out of his control. These people soon will know... He wanted to change it...

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She was sitting in probably the most darkness place in whole Ank-Morpork. This town wasn't nice. And this horrible smell...

She was calm because she didn't afraid of thiefs an murderers. She was observing people. Night was very dark. Especially when you sat in so pitch darkness it was very difficult to see something. But it was also difficult to didn't see some strange persons and, in her opinion, ugly axe. They stood near the body which was all in blood.

-Interesting. Very interesting...

She knew that she must met their. But not now. Or maybe...

They were talking. She stood up and slowly walk up to this group.

-Eee...

She thought It would be better to be silent and wait when they say something. Or maybe not.

She didn't know what she want. Because of this town she had a headake. She was hungry and thirsty.

-Will you help me? I am looking for something to eat, but surely not this guy.

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It was really annoying... a group of strange people... ARGH people...standing there... on the street...

-Hey! What are you doing here? hyp... What is this? Dead meat? It could be tasty... hyp...

- Woman you are drunk! What do you want?

- No I'm not... hyp... or maybe a little bit ...

But what you're doing here? And what this fresh meat asked? Food? Yeeees I'm hungry too...

-Hey! Why is she looking at my with this strange wild eyesight... I'm beginning to be afraid..

-Oh ... stooop... And don't be afraid it would ruine my meal... Scared meat ... ik...

-Hey dwarf ... Tell us what have happened here? And what this guy is doing with this body?

-Oh ! Shut up you all! I'm to hungry to chat right now!

-Mayby we should go and eat something before this strange girl and that... that... ermmm .... strange guy covered in blood eat us...

-Do what you want... hyp... I just want some food... NOW! ...

-Ok I'll lead you to the tavern and tell you what have happened...

So they did... they went to the nearby tavern... a girl ... a dwarf... a weird thin guy... a ... covered in blood strange guy and this a little bit drunk woman...

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- Mumble bumble mumble bumble ...a tavern aye? I give them a nice tavern...mumble bumble...

Im leading them trough small and dark alleys. On my arm are lieing two bodies. One of murderer and one of killed man. After 15 minutes of walking and after one hundred :hick!: and :I'm hungry: we are going on street. Now, we are out of this creepy Shades. Good.

- Ok...this is the place. It's the best tavern in all Ankh-Morpork. Comon, don't be shy, comon in!

They went trough doors. Excellent!

- You are arrest in the name of...law...oh, hello captain Salty...this is people, who are witness of strange murder in Shades...

- You give me a report of all situation in my office in a jiffy...

- Yes sir.

- Eee...this is a tavern?

- No, this is one of bases of Night watch. You all are witnesses of murder. Now, you all are going to arrest. Tomorrow you tell us all you know about this murder and what you saw on place of crime.

- But...

- You are going to recive a meal...goodnight...see ya until tomorrow...

In a jiffy....

Knock! knock!

- Comon in Dot...ok ,what happened? What murder? You know, that in Shades we find about two or three bodies in a day...ekhem, night...

- But this isn't a regular murder for money. I find a few gold pieces in victim's pocket...

- And you sent all gold to your pocket yes?

- Errr...that money fall into my pocket! It's a coincidence!

- Ok, give me all gold and I close my eyes for that...this gold in your boot too, sergeant...

- Goodbye little goldies...papa Dot never forgot about you...sniff...

- Ok Dot. I saw the body. What is that strange hole?

- I don't know captain. It wasn't made of any known weapon. I send body to watch's laboratory...

- Good. Now you can go. But inform me when laboratory find out something...

- Yes sir...and about gold...

- No Dot...

- Yes...yes sir...goodnight sir...

- Goodnight sergeant...

Night was dark like big piece of coal...

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His cell was very dark. Actually he liked dark places...

<BUM>

The door opened and captain Salty came in.

- Hello friend, I must give you some questions, ok?

- As you wish, sir...

- Hmm, tell me something about you, who are you? What were you doing on the street at night?

- I am Rincevind, a vampire...

- Hey, I heared that name somewhere. You were that student from Unseen University?

- Uh, yes... no... I mean... that was long time ago and... HE was long time ago... now I am a vampire! Yes! A pretty damn good vampire! Hehehe.

- I see... so what were you doing on the street at night?

- Oh, what do you think vampires do at night? I was taking a simple walk for fresh air...

- Fresh?

- Um, fresh stinky rotten air, of course... So I was taking a simple walk at night... but dont think that I am affraid of the sun or something like that. You know, I was not borned a vampire. Few years ago I was mutaded into a vamp and that is a little diffrent. Sun is just making me a bit uncomfortable. But dark... I like dark places... specially dark as big piece of coal.

- Ok, stop bubling and tell me what happened! What was your complicity in this accident?

- So as I said I was taking a walk and then I heared a scream. After scream I saw a men that was running from something. And then... it was not my fault!

- What? What fault?

- It... It was... My instincts turn on!

- Instincts?

- Yeah, vamp-instincts. You know what happens when a vampire is hungry and has his instincts turned on?!?

- Aaah, now I can see...

- It was clearly natural reaction from my side. You cannot inculpate me!

- I understand.

- Really?...

- Yes.

- Completly?

- Absolutly completly.

- That's good.

- Yes... is that all you wanted to say?

- Em... there was one thing that I found in the body, it was a strange dwarfen scroll. Wait... It must be somewhere... Oh men, I lost it somewhere! Uh, but I still remember few words, it was something like that, maybe you'll understand: "Burgag krumgum rug ezmal".

- Mhm, thanks, I think that it'll help much. Goodnight and sleep well.

- But...

<BUM> The door closed.

It was very late in Ankh-Morpork. Fresh stinky rotten air was blowing lightly throught the night, as dark, as big piece of coal can be.

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The cell was dark and smelled a bit like a morgue. It didn't have much room, but he liked it, he felt quite comfortable. He even casted a bone ball. It is not so boring if you have something to do. He didn't feel like under arrest, rather like on a vacation. They gave him some food, and he haven't eaten anything for a long time. He started to hum a funeral march, so light he was. Then...

[boom!]

The door opened smoothly, and a dwarf entered the room. Macab didn't know him, but it didn't blow his good mood away. What did was an unpleasant look in his eye.

-Can I help you sir?-He asked politely, throwing his ball up and casitng the bone into a palmful of white dust that fell picturesly onto the ground. The guard dwarf did not even blink his eye.

-Hello friend, I must give you some questions, ok?

-No problem, sir. At your service.

-What were you doing in the shades? It's not a very pleasant place for a night walk- a tone of suspictiouness vibrated in his voice.

-Just hunting. Was hungry. Bigrats're very tasty, you know.

-Well, let's say I believe you. How did you appeared on the street then?

-Dunno. A strange force pinned me down to go with those two I meet on the Shades' border... Hey, have you got som wine? I'm thirsty. It is so warm here...- The quard shivered, every single cell of his body was freezing.

-Sit here. Don't be so crafty, dude.

[smooth scroop]

The guard slammed the door after him.

Cold warm air was congealing over a mound of gelatine, in a comfortable, a bit too narrow, dark cell in a guardbase somewhere near shades. The night was getting even darker than a big piece of coal can be.

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A young beautiful half-elf girl was sitting in her dark cell and thinking... Suddenly...

- Hey you!

- Who me?

-Yes yes... What are you doing here?

- Aggrh.... it isn't a good question... I'm here because I wanted to drink some wine wiht a pack of wierdoes... Oh... at least they gave me some food ... but when you think a little bit ... I don't know if I'm not too afraid to eat it...

-Oh if you don't want it...

The strange man stuck a stick into her cell and dragged a bowl with her supper out of there...

- Hey! Guard! Guard! Come here...

-Oh! Stop screaming... You stupid woman...

-So you say that I'm stupid? Oh I think I'm going to cry... mummyyyyy....

In that particular moment sergant came into her cell...

- What's going on here?

- Who is this gyu? He stole my supper...

-Oh he is our permanent guest ... he sits here every night... He is sitting here only to eat something and take a good night sleap I think...

-Oh I see... but what about my supper?

-Nothing ... You must answer few of my questions first...

- Why? I did nothing wrong...

-Just answer... What was you doing in shades?

- I have no idea... I was in Ankh-Morpork and I thought it would be great to drink some wine with people here... They were so nice to me... They gave me 3 bottles of wine...

But then they wanted me to pay for it... they first said it is a gift for me ... they cheat on me ... dunk me and then took my money and throw me outside...

Arrrrghhh stupid people...

-What?

-Oh no nothing... I was just saying that I was trying to find Ankh ... and then I don't know how I got to the Shades...

-And then I saw a man... I wanted to scear him off ... and then ask where am I but he ran away screaming... I really don't know why...

-And?

-And than I saw your man ... and than a lot of people came to us... then your man took us here ... the end...

- But what about the dead guy?

-I know nothing about it...

-Oh ... ok ... I must just make a report now... What is yor name age etc. ?

-Kin'lera... I'm 20 do you want my shoe number too?

-No ... that's all... Ok ... so ...

1Kin'lera

2Human

3Woman

4 20 years old

is that correct?

-Not exactly...

-You don't look like a man...

She took her long hare uncovering her ears...

-Sweet god! Let me out of here...

-Relax ... I wont hurt you...

-Uh.... ermm... ok ... so ... elf.... ok just great ... I have an elf in here...

-Not exactly..

-What now?

- I'm half-elf..

-Erm... I don't have this answer in my report...

- No problem... just write an "x" between human and elf... it will be ok...

- If you say so... Ok... Good night ...eerm... yes good night

-Hey! And what about my supper?

<Bum> The door was closed... Kin was alone in her cell ...

- Oh just great! And I'm still hungry...

-Oh... I'm not...

-Dear god ... not him again...

It is going to be a long night....

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She was sitting alone in the cell. She was very bored. As bored as a people in the dark cell could be. Her belly was empty, and she knew it couldnt be. She had to eat something. Suddenly somebody got in the cell.

-How nice that somebody visit me. I thought I haven't got friends

-Probably you didn't be wrong. I am a seregant and I must asked you some questions.

-But at firs give me something to eat. And remember I don't like vegetables

-So I'll give you all plate of vegetables or awful soup.

-But firs tell me what were you doing in the shades?

-Yyy... I don't know. I was only walking and lionized

-Don't irritate me.

-Echh. But I was only sitting. I don't like big cities. I was scared. I know less than you. And what about half-elf woman, vampire, and other persons?

-And what about that dead guy?

-I asked the question.

-Me too

-But I was first.

It doesnt't matter. I am askieng the questions. They are safe. So what about those guy?

-I don't know him. I saw him first time. Those people near him too. I don't know anybody in this city.

-Oh ok. And what's your name

-You know I don't tell you my real name so why are you asking??

-Arghhh I don't want to spend ther my time

-My name is Meg, I am 16, and bring me something to eat

-Thank you. You won't have a meal I am sure. Good bye

-But...

She became to crying and fell asleep. The night was dark. As dark as a night can be or even more darker.

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- Ok sleepyheads! Get up! Get up! On my beard! It's a beautiful day! Ok, ok vampire, I can give you a metal helmet with face cover, is that right? Ok...follow me.

They went from cells and climbed on a big, stone stairs. After a while they was in a big saloon...ok, not to big...in fact that was small saloon...and for sure not a saloon...

- Now, I must tell you, why you are here. You are here, because you saw a murder and a murderer. This wasn't a typical crime. Then we, Night watch I mean, must guard you, because you are witnesses, and they can try to kill you. But...we havent much...errr....

- Gold.

- Yes, gold and time...for guarding crone witnesses...then you are going to guard yourself! Welcome in night watch recruits! Now we are going to eat breakfast...

- An awfull cornflakes with stinky milk.

- Errr...not very stinky...after a meal, you are going to recive a badge, a short sword, an armor with helmet and long, wooden stick...why are you so suprised? Welcome in Night Watch recruits!

- Yeah...there is a lot of fun here...

Sun was trying to climb on horizon...it didn't went well...

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- What? A badge, a short sword, an armor and long, wooden stick?!? Allright, thanks for that metal helmet with face cover, but I dont need all this rubbish, sheesh. I'll keep my Long Sword filled with pure dark magic, thanks. Oh, ok, maybe that armor and badge could be usefull, but no wooden stick! I hate wooden sticks! It reminds me an event... you know what people cad do with wooden stick and mallet to a vampire? I saw this once... No! I cant even look at wooden stick! Aaa! Leave me alone!

He jump to the armor pile quickly and throw all wooden sticks right throught the window.

You can hear a sound <bdkfbumbęcbachAUUĆbumbęctrzask>

- Uhh, sorry! - He shouts to the window.

- Ahh, my sticks, my friends, what you did with my friends!

- Eee, dont worry, Lucky is just too sentimental... Ok, Recruits, it's time to eat breakfast.

They start to consume their cornflakes... or... something that seemed to be cornflakes... it requires much courage to eat that... thing. But our heroes are renowned of their great courage and bravery, so it was no problem for them to eat it without any word...

- Yuck! That's disgusting!

- Yes, that's not very tasty, but I am SO hungry! <mlaskmlask>

- I dont know why, but odour from this... flakes is making me discouraged to sing...

- Oh people, be calm, that's just a...

- A cooker nightmare!

Finally after few minutes our recruits and Dot ended their cornfla... ended their breakfast! They were preparing for going out on first-training-duty-walk. So what, it was day? (Actually sun was trying to make it a day, but pre-magic in the Discworld air was stronger) So what, that they are Night Guards? Every time is good to take a duty-walk. And it was a special training-walk that should make our recruits a real Guards.

- Great, a training-walk! We're gonna save the streets from all kind of diverse evilness?!? Cool!

- Sigh...

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So... she was sitting with all of this strange people ...

-Oh! I'm so glad that I'm with you... I had to hear this beggers storys... I was near to commiting suicide ... OH I LOVE YOU ALL ... thanks for saving me...

They gave her a bowl with some stinking "who know what"...

-Erm... I'd prefere to have a kefir or something... you know... hangover and things like that...

-That is a delicious breakfast cornflakes with... erm.. milk... So it should help you ...

-What? This green thing? Milk? You must be joking...

- Not really...

- Erm...

-Something wrong?

-No... I just don't know if I want to eat that... but on second thought I'm to hungry to think what is it...

So she ate everything what was in the bowl...

-Uh.... I'm going to throw up.... bleh... uh... give me some wather please... hury up... O my god .... What was it?

-hmm

- No I really don't want to know... glup...

She was holding her stomach but managed to stand up and make a few steps...

-Umpfff..... So... what are we going to do now? Can I go now?

-I told you before.... You weren't listening...

-What?

-You are new Night Watch recruits!

-Is he joking or what?

-Not really...

-Here you go ... put this on...

-What is this stuff?

-Uh... a badge, a short sword, an armor with helmet and wooden stick... please put this on...

-No way! Forget about it!

-Why not?

-Because I have my own armor ... and it is not a piece of rust like this one...

-Ehmm... and the rest?

-No swords ... forget about it!

-Why? Oh ... Just stop moaning!

-I can't use swords... I have my daggers and my magic... I can protect myself... And... this one is far to heavy and rusty...

-Oh! Ok now, but what with the rest? Will you wear this helmet?

-Keep dreaming...

-Oh! I'm beginning to be angry... What is it this time? Your faith don't allow you to weat a helmet?

She uncovered her long ears and smiled grimly...

-If you think that I can put a helmet on this you must by crazy...

But I can take this badge ... it look nice...

-Oh! At last ... But wait a minute! What about the stick? Ok I'm waitnig for the nexe perfect excuse... so? Maybe you are allergic to wood?

-Not really... I'll take it...

-What? Ermmm that's good but why?

-And why not... It could be useful... <whisper> I could hit with it one very irritating dwarf....

-What did you just said?

-Me? Nothing... So... what we are going to do now?

-You are now in a Night Watch... for your own protection...

-Ermm.... but I'm not a witness... I saw nothing and...

-Stop moaning...

- Yes sir! Immediatly sir! But... what are we going to do now? ...

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-Night Watch!!?? What is this? Is it association something like AA? -she looked at Kin with significant smile.

-Has anybody asked for my opinion? And what is this?

She took a badge, sword and stick.

-Everyone received them

Oh. I know. I'll sell armor and helmet because I don't want it I'll keep a sword. It may be useful. But stick??!?!? Will we grill sausages? I've just eaten a brekfest.

She stood up and took her stuff.

-Ok We are Night Watch so we must do something I think. But at night. Am I right? So what we will do now?? It is without any sense. I want to live this town that's all, but as I see I can't because I met you and saw the murderer. Grrrrr. If I listend my grandmother I wouldn't talk with strangers, and wouldn't meet you. Oh but I don't know your names and I know nothing about you. So I am Meg I am 16 I don't like Ank-Morpork. And you?

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- Only 16th? On my beard...this is a record. In Night watch didn't work nobody that young. Ok...how I said, my name is Dot...Dot Not-Weak...and this is Lucky.

- Hello everyone.

- Ekhem...a training walk? Why not? I must go to gnomish laboratory, then comon with me, and who knows? Maybe I teach you something?

When they equipped swords and armors (or not...sheesh...) they went onto street. Four humanoids, walkin down the street. Light reflected on armors...swords shone bright...badges were hanging proud on chests. That day was beautiful...ekhem...can be beautiful, if it isn't in Ankh-Morpork...

- I hate Ankh-Morpork...

- Hmmm...this isn't a place to live...this is rather a place, where you can find nice work...and the best cooked fat rat with ketchup in all Disc. Hmm...by the way...I have with me this weird scroll. It's in dwarfish language and how you can see, I'm a dwarf. But I cannot read those runes...it's a little weird and very old runes. Then, after visiting labolatory, we are going to visit my family house. And I will ask grandpa Hardek if he can read those.

They walked like they were fearless...and hungry...they walked down the street. From time to time they walked next to dark alley...but in one of those, when they walked past it, appeared a strange shadow. A shadow within a shadow of dark alley...he was watching carefuly...and disappeared...

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-Eh ... if you must know I'm Kin'lera... call me Kin...

Ermmm... you are 16? That's not so bad I'm four years older...

-Oh... my feet are acheing... When we are going to rest a bit?

-I'm hungry you know? This breakfast wasn't very nuticious...

-Maybe we could go and drink a bit?

- OH! I HATE THIS JOB!

-And you said that I'm supposed to help people... shhheesh...

-So where are we going? Oh! I stepped in something... yuck... hey... whay is it looking at me... muuuuumy...

-Hey wait for me...

-Hurry up woman! We are going to gnomish laboratory...

-What for? Oh ok ok... It can be interesting you know that I'm a magician... Magic and science ... It will be really nice ...

So they went through the Ankh-Morpork passing by all the dirt and decay that you can imagine...

-You know what... I don't want to scare you off but I have a feeling that we are shadowed... Maybe I'm wrong but my elven sense tell me this... and... I thought that I saw a shade... but maybe it's just my hangover...

-It's definitely your hangover... you shouldn't have drink so much...

-I haven't drunk "too much" it was just a couple of galons of wine... oh ok ok it was too much ... BUT I LOVE WINE...oh ... let's change the subject ... how far is it now? I told you that I'm tiered...

-Oh just stop moaning... we are near now...

-Uh... ok .... Listen ... you said something about ketchup it sounds like food... and I'm hungry...

-Rat ... it was rat...

-Uh... ok forget that I asked...

They stopped near to the strange buildnig with a big sign... "Gnomish Laboratory"....

-I have a strange feeling that it is this that laboratory where we are going to practice...

-It's my natural talent... you know ... my elven powers...

They went inside... The laboratory was dark and strange ( just like everything else in this town...)

But... unexpectedly... Kin felt here like home...

-So.... What are we going to do here? I want to learn something...

-I send a body to the laboratory ... We must get information with what this man was killed...

-Oh let me do this let mi please... Ok ... hey you! We are the Night Guard and we wanted to know about the body that sergant Dot send here...

-Oh... body ... yes yes we examined it... but it is strange case...

-Strange? Why strange? What is "not normal" exept of this hole in the body?

-Erm... nothing... just this hole...and what made it...

-It looked as if it was made by a veeery big cannon shot or something like that...

-Not really ... It is ermm some kind burned... with acid... or maybe it was just wather from Ankh... we don't know yet...

-Uh... I see... but his clothes wasn't burned... what does it mean?

-We really don't know yet what was it... but it must have been painful...

-Ok... that's all... thank you ... If you were to know something new contact us...

She looked at the lab and wanted to go but... she saw a bottle with spirit...

She catched it fast and drink almost a half of a bottle when she saw a strange sight of a gnome...

-What?

-Ermm ... you know... we use it to examine dead bodys ... an you drink it...erm... it's weird...

-Eee... sorry... I couldn't restrain myself from drinking it...

She made a few steps almost without wobblering...

-So sergant did I passed my test for a Night Watch recruit? ... hyp...

-Ermmm...

-What? I did nothing wrong .... almost.... So ...what are we going to do now?

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- Ok, so we're going, bye bye scientists!

- Wait! Oh man... I mean girl... I mean half-girl... err, half-elf-girl, relax. We got time, there's no hurry. I've got an idea. Hey, scientist gnome!

- Yeap?

- You said something about strange substance, that you found in the hole of dead body?

- Yes, we've got it in tissue slip.

- Could we take it?

- Uh, I dont know...

<BdoiIiIinng> A small coin thrown from Rince fingers, flyied high and drop dawn right into gnomes hands.

- Eee, no problem. Here, I've got it somewhere... Here you go!

- Thanks my friend. Is there something else interesting you found in the bodies?

- No, I think... But we're still working on it!

- Good.

Rincevind turned to the rest of the Night-Team and said:

- I think that we should go now to the Alchemic-Guild and ask someone there to identify that strange substance... unless they are involved in all this bloody mess...

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- Ekhem...alchemists...yeah...but there is one, little problem...

- They blow out their guild again...

- Yeah...and guild is rebuilding right now. But that was weird explosion. Usually guild explode when those weirdos are experimenting with some new dangerous "thing". But guild exploded last week in night, when nobody been there. But we don't lead that case, but that fools from Day watch. Hmph. Then, first we must go to my family home dear Rincevind...sorry. After thet we are going to think about something

- I passed a test for Night watch recruit?

- Ekhem...you are already a recruit. Now you are on a training-walk. Are she drunked all the time?

After half of hour of walking they reach a "street of craftsmans". From here, only 10 minutes of doing "rightleftrightleftrightleft" by foots...They stopped in front of bakery.

- Why are you looking at my? My family from grandpa to grandpa is famous for making the best combat buns and war breads.

- Hmph...none bread can beat me!

- Are you sure Lucky? Did you remember duel with "Bread master + 12"?

- Ekhem... no, I can't remind it, strange...ekhem...

- Ok, let leave memories...comon in fellows! But watch out...ceiling is very low.

They enter to something like place, where blacksmith work. But all weren't in black soot, but in white flour. There were a big oven and a big anvil. Next to it standed dwarf with a big hammer who hitted once and another that was liened on anvil. When you walked closer (with heads very low...ceiling, you know) that thing appear to be a big piece of bread. But it didn't crushed under a lot of hammer's hits.

CLONG! clong....CLONG! clong....

- Hello papa.

CLONG! clong...CLONG! clong...

- HELLO PAPA!!!

- Eh? Ah it's you. Welcome home. Hello there recruits. Why you aren't in office?

- Ekhem...I'm working on one case...

- But you are from Night watch and it's day now...

- Father...I told you a thousand times...I must do my diuties...

- No matter what, no matter when...I know I know...then, why are you here? I paid taxses...

- Father! I don't work in Ankh's treasury...I must meet with grandpa Hardek...

- Ok, then...follow me. Ekhem...do you and your friends want some buns or bread?

- I eat it with pleasure. Take it recruits! It's the hardest dwarfish bread in all city! You gain strengh by eating that...

- Hmm...Hey, bread! Don't come near me!

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They went into a room filled with something that was supposed to be a bread...

-Erm... Dot ... what is it? It look like a stone... It definitely doesn't look like bread...

You know I'm hungry... but not that desperate...

Erm... Dot why are you looking at me as if you wanted to kill me?

Eh.. ok ok I'll take it...

She recived a big weird looking bread from Dot's grandpa and bowed kindly...

Oh my god! Now I'm sure that's a stone... normal bread don't weight that much ...

Dot I think you were right... you gain strength but not by eating ... by carrying it ...

I like my teeth to much to eat this thing....

Erm... sorry... I didn't wanted to offence you...

She took a pice of paper with old dwarvish runes from Dot...

-Ok... so ... we have here a strange pice of paper which Rinc have found... It is in some strange old dialect of dwarvish...

Dot said that you could translate it for us...

-Old dialect? Hm give me this ... Yes... yes I recognize this dialect... yeees... that was long long time ago... when I was little ... oh ... old times ... I remember it so good ... just like my grandmothers beard...

-Erm... but can you read it for us?

-Of course ... but I must work on it for some time... Could you visit me again tomorrow? Naturally I'll give you some more of my bread... You don't have to worry about eating it... it's the best dwarvish bread in town...

-Ermm .... thanks...

Dot... I don't want to go to alchemist guild... they are all weird ... and... you know... I once demaged their laboratory... I wanted to learn something... It was painfull...

And you know... we don't know who made this strange substance... It's not worth risk...

Suddnely she made a weird looking face....

Agrh... something just bit me... aaaa.......... help me ! Heeeelp.... this grean weird thing on my shoe is still looking at me... take it off! Take it off me...

She took off her shoes and looked helplessly at them....

Maybe we should go to this guild and give them my shoes to examination?

So... Who will carry me now when I don't have shoes?

....

Hey! Where are you all going... don't leave me here...

She stand up and took her shoes

-Bye bye Dot's grandpa... We'll visit you soon...

When she wanted to go out she hit the frame of the doors...

-Argh... why me... I knew it will be like that...

Hey! Wait for me... where are we going now?

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She kept somethng like stone witch supposed to be a slice of bread.

-Mmm Yummy <chrupchurp> I love this bread.

What?? It is very tasty.

-Kin come on. You don't need shoes, you can go on your hands. And she laughted.

-Dot are you sure your grandfather can translate this old runes?

I think he imagine something. He don't look like a person who know things like this. But he has delicious beread. <mlask>

And now let's go and find out if alchemist guild is rebuild, but I don't think so.

They were walking on the way to guild when...

-Stop. You can't go this way.

-But this is the only way to the alchemist guild

-Sorry but mad mag flood it by porridge with strawberry sirup

-Yuck. I hate porridge. Especial with strawberry sirup.

-Me too. But we can't do anythng. Try next week. Maybe hungry troll apper there and eat all the porridge.

-Next week?! We can't wait so long.

-except when you want to eat porridge instead of this delicious bread.

She said this and ate a big slice of tasty and soft bread.

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- Okey, we'll go now to th... Hey, Kin? What happened to your shoe?

Part of her shoe that was bited while ago, turned into big hole that was getting bigger and bigger. Strange substance was "eating" her shoe. In Kins hand was now only a small scrap of something that just moment ago was her shoe. Kin looked at this scrap, losted in thoughts. Strange substance was getting closer to her hands, throught this scrap, with strange sound <BlurkBlopBsstBlorp>...

- Aaah!!! - Kin suddenly in panic throwed "shoe-remains" at a random direction.

- Uuups... - Rince luckly dodged it.

"Shoe-remains" hit the wall with strange <BlurbopBczsss> sound and exploded, making a hole in it. Strange substance was flowing down from the hole...

In the same time Rince saw someone hided in the shadow of a building. He was observing them and had a small jar with some strange... insects? Rincevind was a vampire with pretty good eye sighting, so he could see such details. The misterious man looked into Rincevinds eyes... and suddenly starts to run.

- Get him! - screamed our vamp and also started to run quickly, chasing the misterious man.

Rince was running right after the mist-man...<tuptuptuptuptup> M-man turned left and run throught the very small and dark alley... <tuptuptuptuptup> Oh, It was a blind alley! No way forward and the m-man vanished! But he saw an opened window above... uh-hop! Rinc jumped high and droped down throught the window on the floor. <Budububum!> ...Uh, he stands up... <Punch!> <Budububum!> Someone punched Rince and he falled on the floor again. He saw m-man that appeared before him with evil smile on his face and with strange dagger that seemed to be a very sharpfull dagger! Rinc heared his friends calling out him, outside near the window. M-man also heared that and he quickly escaped throught the opposite window.

- Uh, nevverr! - Rince cryied and in furious runned to the opposite window and jumped... in that critical moment, when he was flying out of the window and letting his hand go off the window-frame, he saw that it was 3'rd floor...

- Sigh... - said our brave vamp

...And started to falling dooown... the very painfull <BUM> on the ground was unavoidable.

- Auuu... - said our brave vamp, lieing on the ground.

Hmm, now the misterious man surely escaped no one knows where...

- My heeaad... Auu...

<tuptuptuptup> He saw his friends from the Night-Guard that came for him. At least he thought so, becouse his sight was limited to the legs, from the ground. One pair of legs were without shoes...

- Oh, Kin, is that you? I tried to catch this man but... auu... he escaped somewhere... any of you found something?... Maybe he droped something when he was running or... Aiii... I... must sleep... too tired... hrr...hrr... hrr...

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-Rince... Rince don't fell asleap!

She slapped his face...

-Rince wake up!

Oh... hurry up ... Dot... Macabre... Meg... please help me!

Please find some wather... but not from Ankh ... wather I said...

Oh find that man... muuuuuummmmyy help me...

Find some traces I'll help him...

I'll try to heal him... I think his head had been injured...

She took some dryed herbs sprinkled them on his face and started to sing

<...de coi coi ent meli ...ent na... >

- Come on Rince ... Wake up... please...

Oh where are you with this wather ... he needs something to drink

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- MmmMM Yummy! Very delicious bread...

- Yeah! It's the best in all Ankh-Morpork. I love it...but I have weak teeth (ya know...congenital disease) and before eating it I must get it a little softer.

Dot throwed bread on street, then jumped on it some time. After it he draw Lucky ("nonononono! dontcomenearmebread!") and hit few times whit its help. Then he ate it.

- He is a little dirty now, but how tasty...

They went to alchemist guild, but it was...ekhem..."closed"...then they wanted to return to base of Night Watch, but they met HIM! The Mist-men! Ekhem...too much heroic tales I think...they meet a new enemy...

After few Rincevind's <hoplapunchouchfiuuu> strange men ran away...

- Please! Give him some water!

- Ekhem...I can pee on him if he wants...hahahaha!...ekhem...this is old mountain dwarf's joke...ekhem...you know...in mine there isn't much water...hahahaha!...ekhem, yes...here you go fella...drink some beer from my mickey. Now...get up...here ya go! On my beard! You are amasing my dear vampire! It's quite alsom what was you did there. Good job. Then, we must now search this place for some tips for case. And because it's late now, we go after that to base and report everything to capitan Salty. If we find something we bring it to labolatory tomorrow...then! To work!

- Hie hie hie...I can't work.

- Now you know why I named you Lucky?

- Yep! Because to happiness I need only some flesh to slash...

- Thats my boy!

- You bet, old beardie...

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